escape the pain

there's nothing much to say today. I feel worse. Uped my dose on my medication. Don't know how I am going to get though this. I faked illness. It's always better than the truth.

i can't cry. No matter how bad it gets or how much I feel I should. Maybe when I feel better I will never stop crying at the feeling. Feeling is better than not feeling anything but a looming emptyness.

Until then... the motions of life. I will just circle through life washing, getting dirty, working, eating (but barely now) and sleeping and trying to not torture or kill myself to escape the pain. I will do anything to escape this pain. But I can't drink. I can't do drugs. (that would make me worse, even though I want to hide in that comfort) I find no comfort in food. I am bored by television. I am bored by conversation. I am disoriented. I hate myself and everything about my life. what is left and how can I escape? Mutilation. I am thinking more and more suicidal thoughts. They are so comforting. I know it's scary. But all I want to do is stop the pain. I want escape. I want comfortable. Sleep and death seem the only way of achieving these.

Do you think I will read these words someday and laugh?