caution word-heavy.

I guess it has been a while. I was too sick of myself to write. Too full of ideas to try to constrict them into writing and I didn't like the sound of my own words.

It's mental/emotional/spiritual growth.

and its fun.

I've been steadily detracting myself from the world and specifically from the world I am living in right now (tour land) because it isn't worth my extra energy. I don't have social energy or the need to prove myself anymore. I don't have the fear that if I am not present in a social outing that I will miss something. I have all I need. And sometimes its enough. I think I am swimming in that feeling right now, knowing what I want and that it is enough --is almost like touching god for someone who has been searching for something and wanting it always to be in front of them.

I despise my job right now. But not always. If I keep focused (no socializing and working continually)I don't think about how much it is sucking my life and time away from what is really, truly important. I missed my brother's birthday. I am missing a lot not being in a home and simultaniously loathing the work that I am doing. I am bonding with very few people.

I feel distant from the arrogance and expection of this presige. I want to be down and dirty into this art. Into this business. Into this world. I want what is tactile, what I can touch and feel and know, not what is assumed and seen and admired or gazed at from afar. I want to live this life not live through those I serve.

And yet, I find myself in this dilema. I want to serve. But how can one serve people without this discontent. How can I use more of myself? Can I actually use the skills I think I have?

And now decisions and keeping up enthusiasm for this goal, this grad school thing. Trying to keep the real basis of theater while studying. Doing more and knowing that it is serving --doesn't fulfill me. and is a revelation. So how can I be selfserving?

There is a lot of tranquility in silence. That is why I have been so.

I am following happiness around like I have lost my puppy. When all I really need to do is take the leash and train her to walk with me.