the story of a winter tree

This morning when I hit the fresh air, I was transformed. Fall is in the air. The complexity floors me. I can�t help but want to embrace the world.

It hasn�t hit me yet. I am leaving my job in theatre to become a massage therapist. At orientation, I wanted to tear up. For fear or love, I do not know. The stories they were sharing, the �new journey� talk, the energy in the room struck me as beautiful, really touched a part of me that longed for the newness and rapture of a spiritual experience. But, as expected, I also felt distant, fearful, tentative. The nerve racking was disconcerting. Shouldn�t you just be completely excited? Maybe this isn�t for me??

The thing is this. I picked this. I just picked it. And followed through. And I don�t know if I did the soul-searching I needed to do to borrow 8,000 dollars and start a new career. I know I could do it. I am scared that I can�t do it. But I�m not scared that it will be a bad decision or a bad result. It will just be a result.

I�m really over the fact that I have judged myself most of my life. I�m through with judging. I think from now on I will just be a passionate observer of my own life. Follow my bliss. Make positive choices for my body and spirit. Accepting the fear with the relative exhaustion and slight elation is really profound for me.

Life is really good my friends. Surprisingly good. There is no panic. Only that necessary calm. Only a knowing that the next day is coming and I�ll take life as it is. Nothing is overwhelming or depressing or heavy. Life is light, calm. I feel like Beowulf coming out of the water. Slightly euphoric, slightly exhausted but knowing that it�s all good. This is new, this is not a depressed girl anymore. I�m a little emotional, I am not afraid to say. Because this is important to me. That life just happens without contemplation. I�m off the drugs� but this is the feeling I expected to feel with them. Interesting. You know it just hit me that my sugar detox is over� www.radiantrecovery.com

Despite what I have often said and thought and criticized about the existence of gods� I do believe in this amazing energy of the universe. And it is stronger each day. I wonder what will become of me. Life J.Cambell will I explore the ideas of the world and go back to where I began� getting in touch with god from a small alter of relics behind my door� believing that someone was there for me� Seeing light through the darkness. And feeling the arrival of spring to my winter tree.