i want out

today was like death.

I woke up to a million versions of myself jumping in front of various moving vehicles and flying off of very tall buildings. I wondered who would let me in. I imagined my body crushed. Pulverized. Bleeding itself down the drain until nothing was left. It didn't surprise me, when I finally decided to go into work that I got my worst panic attack and couldn't move.

I feel like any progress I have made has been punched down and I am still recovering from this morning. I have lost any hope. Everything is blacked and difficult. I want a drink!! I want to smoke lots of dope and get really high and fly my ass out of this city and then when I am really really high above the lake, drop and sink and go back to the earth where I came. This life isn't worth it. How much fun can I have dying? Maybe I could sky dive and never open my paracute. I wish I could fly into space and then be let out to float. I could be space junk!! I want out. of this life, the hell of mental illness, my own brain, my discusting body.

but I will just sleep