I found my OK computer cd!!

sunday and thank god I have one more day before the corporate hell kicks my ass into mediocraty once more. i cain't spell. I had some wonderfully witty (and I believe they were also perfound) remarks to say last night but I feel asleep while my roommate visited yet another gay chat room. Those boys know how to network. I

wish I could find my fucking OK computer today. that would save everything.

I'm still in my pjs. I ate peanut butter and bread to take my antidepressant (and an hour late for the second day, bad molly), and more recently i had fresh stawberries and a chocolate donut which were delivered enthusiastically by webvan. Since I am a cripple I can't spend much time superflously sitting... ie diaryland. I made it to work for 3 half days. I made it sitting for 2 hours during W;t last night. Carmen was brilliant at the goodman. I can't believe i know such cool people sometimes.

When I stood alone on the balcony of that gorgeous new lobby, I felt so uncomfortable. Was it the people, so many couples, friends, subscribers meeting each other? It was being at the theatre, a place which used to be home, I felt out of place. My sneakers were a million feet long and my droopy hair had no highlights and I was with a friend and we are both desparately single and sad and confused. The shrink says that my need to be a recluse, my re-occurring daydream in which I throw up over everyone around me to make them leave, and feeling repulsed by my need for sexuality and the lack of it are all sentiments from my years of depression. Which could be true. But that doesn't help me deal with it.

Have I just been asking the wrong questions? Will it all be over tomorrow and the sun will come out over the grey matter and somewhere inside will find the bit of contentment everyone else lives with. She says I'm "deep" "artistic" "a thinker" and for people like me life is never going to be easy because I think about everything and accept very little of what is commonly accepted. So the psychiatrist is uping my medication. She'd "like to see me feeling a better". She would? I wish I could start on the increased medicine now (which means 3 large effexor pills every morning between 9 and 9:30 instead of one). But I have to stop taking my muscle relaxers for my back.

I found my ok computer cd. Very little lifts my spirit, like track four EXIT MUSIC (FOR A FILM).

here are some words worth remembering:

"If the birds forget their songs, listen to a pebble instead"

there is wisdom in places unseen

to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream