"and all I feel is black and white and i'm wound up small and tight and i don't know who i am. the road is long. ~Sarah M.

yep. It's official. I quit this morning. I feel like skipping around the newsroom yelling "nah-nah-nah-nah-nah" and being stared at by all the straight, old white men and reporters deep into their phone interviews. I feel like interupting every conversation to tell people there is a world beyond their cubicle and that it's sunny and 83 outside and then inviting them to a tea party next to the relic of the pyramids which is encased in the wall.

But mostly, today. I feel like I can breathe. Like there will be relief to this constant nothingness. That my depression is not necessarily a permanent condition but a product of all of my circumstances. Change is never bad. If I have to run from the demon of stagnancy my entire life, well, then I will move every year. What difference does it make? You know more, you learn more, you don't collect things, you move.

I hope this change --the moving and all that goes along with it-- will carry me through these last 2 weeks. I've been coupled with an odd lonliness the last week or so. I miss the person I used to be. The freedom I have experienced. I miss dancing, damn it!! And rock concerts. And smoky clubs until all hours of the night. I miss laughter and commonality. I miss Jen. All week, I have felt the need to call somebody, to feel a human connection. To rise above all that stresses me out here. To cry and talk about old times. This is what I think about. The people who were with me when I was happy. The people who make me happy. Being happy.

I haven't written for days. I'm just so sick of myself. The depression and carrying on about it. I have been on the happy pills for 3 months now. 3 months!! Shouldn't I be happy. There is a pleasant uneasy which comes with being me. I am glad it has not disappeared. That means that happiness is momentary. And I am trying to accept this. At the same time, the low lows have almost gone and left me with a kind of pleasant melancholy. It's ok, because my life is changing and I have to reflect on what things I want to keep and what I want to leave behind before I move forward.

But there is nothing to do but move forward. And beyond depression, beyond my physical limitations, beyond my emotional limitations--that's the water I would now like to jump into.

JUMP GIRL JUMP!!!