I can't have it both ways.

I moved. Again. Chris calls me a gypsy. All I can do is smile at that. I can't argue. It's getting easier and easier to leave anything which seems uncomfortable. and am I now only weeding out the things in my life I don't like and ignoring those which I do like. When does trial and error just become a trial? Are there people in the world meant to be vagabonds? Meant to leave all the people they love behind...to venture into new lands and make self discoveries? To what end?

The problem lies only in my thinking pattern. The lofty, the grand, the super-star, rock-star, the got-to-win-a-pulitzer mind trip I have been on in this life. I hope the next life I can come back as an animal. Maybe a polar bear, they can kick ass. Something which doesn't have to think so much about their position in life (and what it means and what it doesn't mean and what else it could be). And-and-and life is not always the best but I haven't been able to settle for or-or-or.

I opened my window when I hit Sturgeon Bay tonight. Cold. I got the chills. I couldn't concentrate on driving-the stars were amazing.

But it still hasn't hit me what's next. I am in the mood to call everyone I love and tell them how much I appreciate the honor of knowing them and how much they have affected my life. But I am cowardly, and it's after midnight.

There is something I am missing tonight. I am acheing for the thing which I have put behind me. But why must they be behind? I will see Chris again. And Rachel tomorrow. And probably even Jen and Jeannie, David New and Ryan-a-riffic! Hell I will probably even see Rob, Nikki and Moo and Sparkle. No deaths.

So why does one morn for something you've left which hasn't died. It's only the thought of moving on. That life won't be how it was. I left a life and created an emptiness to fill, and while that is exhilerating and the ONLY way to growth...it's a stiff, anxious, uncertainty. And I will miss many things, many people, which unfortunately do not out number what drove me away from the city.

I think tonight I'll sleep well. Knowing I can see the stars.