dreamt of perfection, dreamt of dreaming, dreamt of he, and he in me.

I dreamt of Jeremy last night. I had tried so hard to forget him. I made excuses to not write him, to not call him, to not remember how much I cared about him. If ever I could say that I was in love or close to it, I guess he would have to be the focus. I tend to fall in love and romanticize over long distances. With people who have never shown an interest in reciprication.

He's a great guy. The day before I left Chicago, I got a letter from him. Short, kinda kooky, and passionately real. The letter and him. It was so great to hear from him. He's teaching Joseph Campbell now, something I can take credit for. And I know about Choas Theory. Something I should re-read.

I had this dream that we met again. I was climbing mountains. A thing I WILL do again. I was in great shape. And we finally expressed our feelings. I am under-sexed and I miss talking to him. AND I adore him. So, there is no question about where this dream come from. He lives in the Adirondaks. He teaches english. He's smart and funny and sexy and loves to be outside. I have romaticized him the perfect mate.

I am ready for a soulmate. I feel attractive again. And I feel the beauty surrounding me. My life is ready to evolve and with this comes longing. To share myself. To love. To have sex, damn it. There was a time I told a good friend that I didn't ever want to have sex because I didn't want to be that close to anyone. I didn't want anyone to be that close to me. That time is the past.

dreamt of perfection

dreamt of dreaming

dreamt of he

and he in me.

I am forgoing a long sail today to shop for Rachel's birthday present and walk the puppy in the state park. It's another perfect day. Mid 80s and windy, down in the 50s at night. No perfection lasts, so I am going to go out and enjoy myself.

I am smiling. To myself. Because I can. Because I'm happy.