fucking issues

i'm a dolt. Yes, that's right, a dolt. Or maybe that is the red wine, fresh air and loneliness talking.

I keep on missing, what I am missing. And tonight, as everyone coupled up, I shifted uncomfortably in my chair thinking, why does this always happen to me? What have do I have that could possibly take the place of simple human connection, physical connection, to love.

There is a point at which I draw back. I cross my legs and arms and hands and try to forget about my existance. Try to forget the longing and act normally. I keep thinking that something shows through, that the skin is somehow tinted. That everyone knows I am a virgin. I've padded myself so well, with layers of fat and hatred, I don't even know where to begin.

I need to runn. SO FAR AWAY. I have the urge to run and never come back to anyone familiar until I am a completely different person. I can barely keep a grip on this new attitude, this new person without letting it slip into the self-pitying bellows of my conciousness.

I have an early meeting tommorrow.

Thank god for internet porn.

How long will I continue to be denyed while I watch all of my friends get the only thing I want. Adoration, love, and the feeling that I am special. Do I have to scream it to be noticed? DO I have to do something hanis for anyone to see me?

I had to leave tonight. I couldn't watch my cutie cuddle with my friend. I couldn't stand one more word about how cute jen was and that they were all going to make out with her when she gets here. I feel deathly overshadowed. But it is also late. I am also tired. And everyone has fucking issues that Effexor can't heal.

I have to get on those damn roller blades.