calling all penises

my new becoming could be crucified by these couple of splinters:

1. The virgin issue.

I want to have lots of crazy sex. I want to be touched and fucked. But how do I get it w/o going through the rite of passage? Will the guy notice if I'm a virgin or do I have to be honest? I suppose he will, according to Dan Savage. And that whole issue makes me want to back down even more.

I sometimes wonder how long I can remain a virgin without the urge to whore myself takes over and I sleep with any drunken video store owner. I wonder how much it really matters in the grand scheme of things if one person is solitary in a world were people who are together can't even connect. All I know is it could kill me very slowly.

2. I have a this tiny, tiny, why-did-i-even-mention-it crush.

I bet you couldn't guess that. Not a serious one. But it makes me think all these things. Like why couldn't I have reached my own personal enlightenment prior to meeting him? Why can't I just fuck him? Why can't we be good friends? Am I going to be able to sustain anything (friendship/hanging out/one night stands/alcohol) without a member of the opposite sex seeing straight inside of me, seeing that I have my own battles to fight and leaving me for someone with better hightlights? It is the truth, I have my own battles to fight, but I feel like I almost have the strenghth to try one of those "relationships". I wish my knuckles weren't bloody from my own barade.

He's jeremy accept a musician. An ok musician. But damned passionate. A mountain biker, a vegetarian� all sorts of yummy I am not going to gush over. He wasn't instantly attractive to me. And I could see him getting really annoying, but we have SO many things in common. Maybe we should just makeout.

I had a beautiful day yesterday. I can now respect humanity again. Dpants, Truffles, Snuf and my new sun and I sat around yesterday and just talked. What started our discussion of church & morality? Perhaps because it was Sunday. But it was great, 2 christians, 2 aethists and one indecisive girl and we were all still talking at the end of the day (over yumo vegy spring rolls). It was such a delicious feeling that the moments that followed certainly seemed empty.

Tonight they are having a b-day party for me at cuties house. I can't wait to meet his dogs. Did I mention he's 9 years older?

Everytime I think about being here, I get more and more excited. It's like a new dream of myself that is coming true. Every morning, as I do my sit ups and THE PLANK and my arm excersises I realize more and more how alive I am. I pass the mirror in the bathroom and I can look at myself. Happiness, is such an odd feeling, when you think about it, I don't want to ever miss another moment in my life waiting around for it to happen.