teaching?!? was it real?

I had a wonderful weekend. Family time cannot be unappreciated. Dog time cannot be igored.

to save you the shock and disbelief, it is indeed 8:34 AM!! Here in the midwest. And I've been up for a hour and it is not a fluke. I set my alarm and actually got up. I am trying something new. I do love freetime and morning seems to be very productive (if I can get my ass out of bed). Once the tour starts my average morning will be 6am; so I better get damn well used to it. DId I mention that I am also doing laundry and cleaned my apartment last night??

I had the wierdest thing happpen to me. I have this amazingly complicated, disorienting, and fantastic dreams on effexor. I mean, on a daily basis I have to double-check whether or not I dreamt a situation or it actually happened (yes I know, i have to lay off the hard drugs). But I dreamt and slept a lot last weekend (almost constantly in a fuzz) and

(pause for more green tea)

I got up in the middle of the night, and I am sitting on the toliet and then I had this overpowering thought "I'm going to be a teacher." It was like the word of the gods I swear. And the last time I believed that that could happen I was praying for a mean boy to love me on the alter behind my door.

But I have been thinking seriously about it. It would be something I would enjoy, I could have summers off to travel!!! Because I need to have vacations and time off. That is the one thing I am scared about with this job, being stuck w/no or little vacation time. One thing moving has allowed me to do ( if I had let it) was vacation.

So while I am considering a stroke a divinity, I began to think of Jeremy. My archatipal man. My measure to which all are compared. Now, I know of his imperfections. I know what I imagine is not real (believe me reading "The Well-Beloved" will teach you that and more, great book so far). But I keep thinking of the person I want to be, being his perfect match. Not the person I want to be in fantasy, but the things that I am hiding beneath. The girl who wants to climb mountains and have great physical power to do so. The adventurer.

Eva Cassidy makes a great sound track for today. I never thought the mystical world would open up to me if I only opened to him.

I don't cry enough. In fact I never cry. There have to be things to cry about.

I don't tell people I love them and mean it. I think I am waiting for some insane version of imagined love to happen to me.

I don't believe enough in the right imaginings. I believe too much in others.

Again, I have to constantly wonder what is fiction, what is fantasy and what I have created and is it real?