the real problem

ok damn it

I'm over the boys. On to career. am I insane to want to get another touring job before the tour even gets going?

2 shows today, basic ignorance of tall boy, one pizza party, one back-to-high-school experience, one purchase of transformer hot rods, one fight between the two plastic toys, one affirmation, another telling of someone else's whoring, one call to the theatre, and 3 letters later... sigh

why am I so separate from whatever the world is going through. I am refusing to even conceive of it. It is just the horrid thing which makes me unable to make fun of the president in public. I am crass and hard and so damn calleous that the week it happened I was almost happy that something tragic happened to stir the masses. And the cost I have forgotten. But hell, now I have gained a bit of fucking patriatism. Go youth of America!

I refuse to watch the news, I don't want to know. I don't want a war. I don't want to hear about terrorists or chemical warfare or what is under the rubble or all the person stories of horror. In fact, for me it is this surreal thing, media-ized and mushed up and there is so much information it gives me a headache. How can I feel the appropriate sadness for this thing on the TV and in the news? For someone elses life and words and pictures from some tragedy that was yesterday's tv movie? I'm having a real problem with this. Maybe I need jesus.

And with this confession, I lose all friends to my own self absorbsion. How does one go about working on that?

Preoccupation. and I'm sorry about it.