"first when there's nothing, but a slow glowing dream"

What day is it?

Ok, Sunday night. And we are in Carrington, ND. Ok. OK OK!!!! I can't even control myself. I am thinking bad thoughts, I am having bad flirtations... I am making a new friend and I am haveing a great time. Why are they paying me to do this??

So another going out story from Fargo. I've been trying to catch up on some sleep since that night. A bunch of us went out on Friday night before we left on Saturday to do a show in Crookston. We tried to go bowling, ended up drinking and left at one when they kicked us out.

" Breathe. Flirt. Drink it down. Suck it up. Throw darts. Try not to look at his crotch or enjoy his company too much."

"Don't laugh at my jokes too much, people will say we're in love" ~Oklahoma

And we end up at Perkins. We are buddied up. We want to talk. We want to be close to each other. Sitting next to him in the booth, close, touching. When we are done, we get back to the hotel and ask the front desk if they can open the pool. It's now almost 2:30am. We swam & hot tubed until 5:30. I was so tired and with the moment that I couldn't even conceive what would have happened if I would have gone into his room for a smoke after. Nothing Happened, a hug. An ackward moment. It felt like a first date. Very strange. I wish he wasn't attatched, it might make my feelings a little less hidden, and me a little more free. And while I can handle this for now, I am not sure how I would feel if we actually got involved. i dream about him and think about him and I just can't be cool about anything.

Am I 13 again???

NO. Is he just looking to score, probably. BUt so am I. I have to remember. There is this crazy achyness inside me that longs for this to grow into a committed thing, to have that person to cling to and belong too and all that bullshit I scoff at, that I really want but don't think I deserve. He already has that. He doesn't need that. He needs a tour buddy, a fuck buddy, and ... something a 31 year old would want.

And what do I need? I need to lose my virginity. And I need that attention. And do I really need another friend? I have that, but I do need someone to love me more than anything else in life. That fine rarity. Oh boy! I'm in trouble.

I'm giddy like a kid. I'm nervous like the first date. Perhaps I should give a call to my sexual guru.

I will go as far as buying condoms, for now.