time for some spine

If only I could have time to write every detail of what is going on in my head... Anyone reading this would be too bored to function.

I can't figure out where my head is... to want, and not to want. I can't even tell if I like him anymore. And things are strange and merky. And people think we are sleeping together, and why shouldn't we be?

Being on tour is hard. On one hand, I want to cling to the people I am with and start things with Ben (fuck to forget what it is really doing), because I miss everyone I love so dearly, all my darling friends, (I need pictures!!) and on the other side, I want to hide away in my room and store all my energy for the next assult on my ability to company manage. I guess we will find out tomorrow at our first meeting. I have to get off line and make some phone calls.

Perhaps, instead of trying to get with ben tonight, I will do what I would do if he was not around. Oh, damn. If I could only do what I would if... and if only... he were not around. There is no fucking inbetween.

I'm dying here. Just for a quick poke. What do I have to do to get it???

Maybe tonight I will sit at home and cry. But cigarettes, BEER, cards, darts and mediocre mexican are calling to me to cover all of the vunerablity I feel. And they have worked before. It's too bad that my sexual ideal has to be there with me, staring at me and not making good on all his flirting and staring.

How can I be so mad and so attracted at the same time? It's a curse. and I feel like he is Jason Fairweather in the dark room. Why am I always inches away and one woman too late? Yes, let's think about that... time for some spine.

"Oh, what a fool I've been" Why Can't a Woman, Be More Like a Man???