j, tall boy and the self-made continuation of my virginity

I am totally fucked.

In the head.

End of story. I wish it were. Tall Boy and I made out last night. Now it's all I can think of. And all it's reprocussions. And how to act "normal" while still wanting him. And how to want him without giving up the precious virginity to one who will be just cheating on his girlfriend. No fucking fair for him to have 2 and me nothing. He's a lazy fuck. And he was talking about Jane today. Grrr. I just want the action! That physical attention which I get very small doses of, every 6 months.

Jeremy and I talked on the phone for almost 2 hours tonight. Amazing. We ARE soul mates. Anyway, he ended the conversation saying that "we should get together sometime" Which might be fine, but the fact is that there is only 6 states, and one time zone between us. We had such a great conversation, it was so lovely, so natural and comfortable. It's like someone who is reading me the description of my soul. Weren't we old souls together? He's like my david without the pretentious bullshit. I mentioned a road trip out to the west coast. We should get together before we are too old to enjoy each other. Jeremy. sigh.

And does it our doesn't it come down to aching lonliness? What is it about me that longs and longs for intimacy while my rationalization never makes it a "priority". And as I get to know myself, I know more and more that I can't be the hard girl I want to be, forever, or I will be miserable. Suck it up molly, you are a romatic sap like the rest of the world.

The endless struggle is to love the parts of me that I am prone to hate. Brillant.