what's up today...

I need to start a new diary, one to write in at anytime. From the time I was a freshman in High school, until about may of this year, I have ALWAYS carried with me a journal, or notebook. I stopped like I stop most things. Because it doesn't seem to be working. But I miss it.

I don't know how I thought I could ever get away with having sex with b and not actually caring about him. I have a full-blown crush now. But I am not going to pursue him. Why just speed up a broken heart? I met him too late... We wouldn't get along anyway... he's too old... there are a million reasonings, logicalities and justificationarians... ;) (chris will enjoy that murder of the dictonary's words)

I'm doing laundry instead of dancing tonight. Listening to Wish You Were Here. How much more depressing can you get? Oh, yeah, I did watch the news too.

Yesterday, I had my first manicure. And a good hair cut. Mmmm. I love being a girl. I want a manicure every week. I want someone else to worry about the state of my beauty. hee hee.

How am I going to get over Ben, not sleep with him, AND see him every minute for the next 3 months? I guess I will just deal with what comes my way. I so fucking sick of worrying about things before they happen. I'm through with that. Sex can't be this big of a deal.

Although, I almost cried when I thought today "I can't win, if I fuck Ben, I won't be any good and then he won't want to do it again... but if I don't I will be the same prudish girl I came into it as." Who out there is willing to fuck a virgin who SAYS there is no strings but has a million holding her down.

I will come out of this tour a more experienced girl.