now that I have this off my chest...the grand scheme of the universe can move ahead with it's plans

PROLOGUE: I don't expect anyone to read this jumbled mess. I am actually quite embarrassed about my feelings. About the existance of feelings in general, and the fact that I have to possess them. But I have to document this. It is my personal/emotional/sexual history/revolution/life-changing-experience which I am attempting to document. If only for selfish reasons. So don't mind what is to follow, I have this disclaimer, I am now allowed to suck.

I'd love not to write tonight, but my brain is in such a bad place right now. Honey, I did it. I fell for Ben. And he is just another two-timing jerk. And don't think I haven't been here before. Man, this is one huge blow for my karma, for my ego, for my person growth. And I know I needed it. I needed that feeling of elation so this emptiness could follow. Perhaps this passion was more than I could handle, and it has spilled out into emotion. Or I had another crush. Or just one more dissapointment in this area is too much. I would like to believe in love. I would like to not believe in love. I would like to forget this happened and I would like to go on living in it like a foggy dream.

Please allow me to use my own rationalizations: I am alone. Therefore, after the affair, I will still be alone. He is with somebody. He gets two and goes back to his love. I become nothing in his mind but a fading fuck. When was I ever ok with that? I am not sure. But I am determined to get through this.

You see I am always trying to be this girl. This hard-core-ness. The hardened, non-feeling, all-experiencing. The girl that nobody touches. I am never that girl. She exists in some fading comic book in my mind. I am the girl who falls flat on her face for the boy and nobody is there to pick her up and the buises last longer than her tit hickies.

And I sleep when I am not in a good place in my mind. And now I am tired. SO tired. And I am getting NO work done. This can't go on. I have to tell him there is no more drunken nights together.. even though I am living now for the next experience of that feeling. The next look or touch or kiss.

The last time we touched, it was SO hot. we just rubbed our faces together, so gently, it was electric. And then I noticed how hard he was. And that was hard to forget. We kissed in the doorway. Two gorgeous light kisses. It is hard to think of never having that again.

And this whole thing is just kicking my ass, because there is nothing during the day but my lust is consuming every part of me and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where all this sexual energy is going to go. I don't know how to make it leave, how to make the inevitable asshole realization process speed up so I can get on with my life. I think about the whole situation far too much. When there really isn't a situation. There mutuality that I felt has dwindled down to a question of "was he using me?" and I really want to know what was in his head. He was after me... as he said... and I was lusting after him, and here are the questions I would ask of him:

Why did you want me? (sex & personality or other)

Was it just in that moment?

Is it over now or have you just decided to make the choice?

Shouldn't it be enough to be wanted? Shouldn't it be enough to be called sexy and then move on? I guess I just want more... more awesome kisses, more oral sex (giving and receiving), more closeness, more secret nights... I don't play second best very well. I don't wait very well. And while that frustrates me, I can't stand not seeing him, him seeing another person, I am waiting to get mad at him, I am waiting for my feelings to die. Nothing is dying. I want to know what these feelings are. What they represent. Crush, love or lust. Or a tiny grey area inbetween where I tend to linger.

And now to the singing portion of the show:

"I think too much. I feel too much. I eat too much. I sleep too much. I dream too much." and

"Karma Police, for a moment, I lost myself. I lost myself." and

"I got to wash these sheets on my bed, I've got to watch these things that go unsaid, god I wish I could leave it at this" and

"Jane, doesn't think a man can ever be faithful, Jane, doesn't give me a chance to be shameful"

And I feel better. Is that all it takes?