I am swimming eel infested waters... Feel free to taunt. :)

ah and woo hoo

I've been avoiding you. Words are evil sometimes. Especially when I use them to describe the emotions I want to hide. Oh god, and have I ever been avoiding that. I've been avoiding the sentence: I think about Ben all the time. I knew if I wrote on Diaryland, I could not help writing: I think I may be falling for him and that's not good. And now, why can't I just explain?

Hello my name is _____ and I am an emotional girl. Hi _____. I need a support group. As much as I think I can have sex with him and not become attatched, I know in my heart, that I already feel like we are connected. And he made it worse by telling me that he didn't want to be more confused before he saw his family and jane. He had a huge fight with her the night after we spent our 2nd night together. We haven't had sex. Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe we should stop now. I don't want to have casual sex with someone I like.

(pause for massive internal war)

So at this point I am bruised and bloody inside. I have only had orgasms with my vibrator. I don't want to confuse him. I only want the passion part of being together, yet the thoughts are creeping towards the surface. Fuck and Run is playing in my head "I want a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend, I want all the stupid all shit like letters and soaps." And Jane is playing on my stereo "Jane, doesn't think a man can ever be faithful, Jane, won't give me a chance to be faithful"

And yet, I am happy. The confusion is only momentary. The product of too much thought. I want him. I want to experience life. To live with intention and for today. I've been emotionally dead and I can't back off from this fear of feeling. I can't stop the vortex of passion that is created when we are together. OR can I?

Testing... testing... Uh, is this on? Big Megaphone in my Head: "FORGET ABOUT HIM"

what a fucking testimony. Why the over-thinking?

Anyway, he told me that we could be together tonight. We will see what 2 days away from me did to him. We will see what staying at this apartment with his love did to him. I am swimming eel infested waters... Feel free to taunt. :)