Ew. I am an icky girl.

I have been driving in this snow. So packed and icy and so cold that it crunches and squeaks. It is bitter cold. I don't know that I have felt this bitter cold for a while. It is so refreshing, so utterly profound to feel a cold so cold that you need the indoors to survive. And at any point you could slide off the road and need to be rescued.

We are less than 100 miles from Fargo tonight. Way up on the second floor in an Americinn, with a swell view of the oasis surrounding Hwy 94.

I had a long dream of Ben last night. I was chasing him, someone was getting married and there was babies all around. Thank god we didn't do it, I might have that to worry about. Things are fine, normal and average between us. We still talk/joke and there doesn't seem to be any tension. I wanted him when I was wasted (we had one too many pitchers of Guinness between the 3 of us) but I am sure I said something that I didn't mean.

All I really want to say to him is that I AM kind of sensitive to his relationship, and that I have never felt that kind of sexual connection with somebody, and I couldn't help but want to explore it... But seriously folks, HE started all this. He kissed me first EVERY SINGLE time.

You know, I need every excuse to feel like the best, I wonder why it is that we had this flirtation anyway, and why I was the only one, why he decided to cheat at that moment. But who cares now? We did what we did, I don't have any regrets. We quit before we got "confused" and I feel ok with everything.

But how can I translate how sexy and confident I feel with Ben into another flirtation, into another guy? And what if I never feel this INTENSE sexual feeling again??

God, it almost makes me think "he's the one" and "I wish we could have time to explore our feelings more" even though I don't believe in that.

I have more hope now, and it is this plus my new state of mind. I have the confidence to admit that I want what every normal girl wants: commitment, relationship w/great sex, marriage, and kids. EWW. Icky girl, I know.