Baby, there's more to life than this

It's the last night at home. And glad. I'm all packed for the next 5 months of my life. EEK. It's wierd, if someone had told me that this was the life I would be leading, I might be scared of it. But all you can do is get through the next day.

I haven't written much about B since I got here. And to stop obsessing over one you can't have is always a good thing. But it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about him. Or -- I guess thinking about him is not really what I have been thinking of. More of the idea of A him. And since I love to day dream about sex and it's possiblities (and impossiblities at the hope of someday being a possiblity-- you remember I did slip out of that tour a virgin, having tricked the boy into thinking I was an exprienced gal... I am just that good. Anyways, enough praising my unspoiled sexual prowess). I think about him in a real abstract way, like I think about my vibrator. Or a quote from a good book that I have forgotten about. He will never be a regret or an idiot or a "poor that boyfriend".. just a thing that happened that made me feel. Life needs more of that.

I love the dream of being in love. Of being with someone, fully. I have never had that. I have had empty sexual experiences, I have had empty relationships, I have had sexual experiences that could grow into more, but I have yet to feel the intense lust I felt for him, with a sense that I could also stand to have dinner with the guy without making wisecracks in my head. This is the point of view I am coming from. Never been in love.

And imagining what it would be like, it's hard not to romanticize. It's hard not to coat everything with a pink glaze a twinkly sprinkles. Hell, I can even making having kids look good in my head. And they might be.

So with b I think about all the things I could/wanted to do with him sexually, but as far as relationship... NO way. Isn't this interesting, these feelings I am discovering that I have.

I was re-reading my diary from my depressed days discussing my fear of being happy of what it would take away from my personality. I have been awakening to the possiblity that I was never happy until I decided that I was happy. It was a big decision, to let the past, that darkness, the part of me that liked feeling like crap and being self-destructive to feel worth something in the work, leaving room for the part of me that knew there was something better out there.

Yes, Bijork baby, there is more to life than this.