longing to be alive again

So I lost an entry swollowed by the big internet stomach. Such is life.

I am sick of my attitude. Today our guest playwright spoke to a group about his art --how he works.

It really struck me how in love with life he is. What I ever that in love with this world? Do you ever feel so damaged and broken that you will never feel love and true happiness again? I need godliness. I need something to believe in again. My art has become so dull, so trivial, so vaguely distinguishable between life and work.

As I mature, lose innocense, I also feel like I am loosing naive joy. Belief in catarsis. DAMN IT I haven't had a real theatre catarsis in years.

I have a slight shopping addiction. I use it to feel better. But at what point does all the junk just cover your soul until you can't remember what you are and what you are doing anymore??

I've been tossing around spanish class again. Or French. But I can bearly get myself to brush my teeth and get to the gym. How in the world am I going to function past the daily yawns and minutely struggles to get past the next hour. It seems so sick that this struggle is so immediate. Can't one spread out the pain?

I was supposed to have it all figured out by now.

I have figured out myself into a corner

and forgotten what I exist for.

Tomorrow I am hitting the art museums, Sunday hiking. Monday cleaning.

I long to feel some love alive again. Where is it?