Them and their perfect fucking mental health.

Time to kick ass. It's been a downward slide until right now, this moment. Love doesn't look good on me... or Lust for that matter. Yes, that's right. It's over. My infatuation with the uninfatuated. :) And I'm sick of beating myself up. This will not do... the old me is so fucking familiar and dull and close it's scares me sometimes. But with a little coffee in my system and a multi-vitamin in the gut and an icy feeling of release in my upper trap trigger point, I am good to go.

There will be no waiting around in this life. I was thinking about former lives... and why I always wish for beauty and perfection. Why is this? I am too smart to fall for society's tricks... or maybe society will get the last laugh when they paint me pretty to bury me. Was it that I was beautiful and skinny, was I the prize holstein in another life? What about needing physical adoration is so important to me? I can't say that I've never had it... I can't say that I would do anything to have it, but yet it's the thing I crave, even thought I know that the other side of the fence eats from the same trough of irony that I do. The only conclusion I can come to is that I was either beautiful in my former life, and used to all the attention, or I had some devastatingly bad birth defects and suffered in a cave of my own self-hatred.

I've been thinking a lot about what my school friends said about counceling. I told them how my therapist told me I didn't have any issues, and that it was incredibly enlightening for me, and they said that wasn't true, everyone has issues and that I just had a bad therapist. Well, I knew she was bad, but it makes me question who I am and if I really need that kind of work? And then I think... yes, I am incredibly self concious and I am emotionally fearful and closed, but who the fuck cares ??? Them and their perfect fucking mental health. I need to heal my physical health first. back to sugar addiction recovery and raising seratonin and gym (mirrors or not).

I'm trying so hard to retrace to patterns to today, how I became how I am. I am not there yet... at a place I can understand. Perhaps, like anything, it is the journey that will make it worth the exploration.