Sexual desire vs. good companionship

Tiny self confidence crisis. Is it time?

I am both waiting to be blown off by new boy (got kisses last night) and wondering if he is right for me. I plan too much. He makes me want to think long term. He doesn't make me want to think 'good fling' - which I suppose has been more my style and frankly where my emotional comfort level is. It's the truth really. Amazing what gets posted on the internet... for years of longing and now I have part of the thing I want (or at least one more guarenteed make-out session) and it seems I'm apathetic. Or seemingly so. WHY IS THAT?? Jeckle and Hyde anyone?

The thought of him is making my devil/angel mud wrestle: "Is he good enough for me?" "Well, you're not getting any younger or prettier"

Pooey

Let's breaking down. Sexual desire vs. good companionship. Who has both? Which can you develop? Which is more important?

I have been lucky to have lovely flings with guys who make me completely melt on the inside and who I would do almost anything for. Sexual desire my friends - FIRE. But have I had a guy take me out to dinner and talk to me for hours on the phone and want to be with me because we have a zillion things in common? No. What else? Oh, yes, the unrequitteds. Dboy and Jboy - and the dream of the intellectual/sexual package all wraped up in one. But we are really trying to contain our emotions to one state of the union and to boys who actually return our letters.

So where does that leave me? Still a virgin. Still not proven able to carry out emotional commitmment when the opposite sex is concerned. Still using sex toys and hyper-fantasy-almost boys as the basis on which to base a reality ? Diluted, thinks I. Disillusioned, yes.

But for once, a bit of hope in a boy. My mind may race but I am experienceing this calm zen-like thing knowing that whatever happens it will be ok. Except for all my big talk about sex. I mean, when it comes right down to it. I'm fucking scared.