The one where I am completely exposed.

Exposure. I know it tonight. My ends are raw - my life an imagined catastrophy.

WARNING: Imagination taking over reality

And now I'm frightened. Of nothing, I'm sure. OF myself. Jumping in too fast. Being too much myself and the consequential rejection that follows. Of being too much myself and the consequential good things it may bring. Of having to take responsiblity for either - owning something.

Perhaps I should be answering all those requests for communication. Perhaps I should trust my after-bath instincts. Perhaps I should just meditate and sleep. Perhaps he is not who I think him to be. But what if he is? That may even scare more.

How can I add sex to the mix? How can I not? I want him to like me more. Perhaps he does. And my wonder is why. Nobody has told me before the reasons they have to like me let alone love me. So what to base the self love on? How to stay strong in the face of emotional typhone called vulnerablity? Perhaps I just have to just suck up my own insecurities and ride out this wave of what I know will be good. Part of me wants to feel that jagged rejection -the sharpness is a good feeling for me, the rejection is an "I definately know where I stand". This is mushy ambiguity... it makes me smile but I miss the cool blade of beating on myself in this mushy yumminess. It is much easier to hate myself than to love myself - consequently to feel those things from others. I feel yummy... and lusty - but yummy mostly.. just this good yummy feeling.

I can feel our next kiss very deep inside of me like a storm.