grandma and other airlooms

I just papercut my lip sealing a letter to grandma. She's such a sweet lady, however negative. I tend to see bigger pictures... as much as I know I dwell on tidbits... But I can see my negativity, it's root in my mother (thank you shrink judy) and now I can see where mom got it from. Jeez. It's harsh, what we pass on, the negative traits we give to each other, we pass down like airlooms. I don't want this fucking negative-beat-the-shit-out-of-myself-until-somthing-deep-inside-has-crushed-all-I-dared-to-dream self-fulfilling prophacy just as much as my brother doesn't want the almost certain male pattern baldness which is beginning to show in all of my male cousins. I should go to church with her once before I leave.

I do have very spiritual experiences. I tend to attribute them to a mystery, a deeply organic energy, some kind of trumped mythology or magical being. I like to fantasize the possiblities. But churches have always had a special kind of energy for me. I felt it deep when I was very young at St. Mary's. All those statues, colorful windows and old wood. There is something I feel, like deep inside I know that there is a bit of truth in anyone's mythology and I can connect to it. YOu know connection is so rare, I grasp to any bit of real feeling.

One thing I cannot connect to is a mall. I went to the mall this evening to meet w/ Ducky and Sara. I felt so much on the outside. Maybe I thought all the stores were lame and maybe it's because I can't fit into any of the fashions, or I think some of their fashions should have died back in their origional time period or maybe it was the isolation of it all. Buying didn't bring me any joy tonight. Perhaps that is good. Maybe it is this delusional sickness or my life priorities are changing. And how do I feel about that?

It's scary and I say to myself, I don't know how I feel, when I feel on shaky ground, and only chocolate ice cream feels real again.

Bath time.

And tomorrow for commiting sins against myself and declaring that sins don't exist and still subconciously bowing to my failures.