Our bodies wanted to be together.

Two things:

1. When you find something you like, why don't you become good at it?

2. Don't fuck your own emotions just for a little fuck with an unavaliable boy.

So, B and I had a little fun this past week. Today I said goodbye to most of my tour staff, who I won't be seeing for a while. I stupidly made tenative plans with B while he hugged me twice within an hour and looked at me with the most penetrating puppy-dog (and I know he's a dog) eyes imaginable when we said that good-bye, I'll-call-you-you-call-me-you-know-my-number-oh-ya-you-are-going-to-be-in-the-city-we-can-go-out-for-a-drink-or-whatever(ha,ha) thing. That thing. A awful, penetrating, do you like me or are just just being stupid now thing. And I can't get those eyes out of my head.

I got 2 hours of sleep on Saturday night. I waded through hours of partying, in various states of inebration, through muli-packages of trivial conversations, party games and headbanging along with bohemian rapsody and singing and eating burritos with the 13 people who have comprised my last 5 months and surrounded me with purpose and lighthearted fun, not to mention tails of woo-hoos and drunken beatings... all to spend the last few moments of our tour with him. It was inevitable.

We were inevitable. And it's got me thinking. Surely in ways a virgin shouldn't. We never actually had sex. I don't have to worry about some screaming hairless life-change exiting my body after 9 months of enhanced stretch marks, or getting some disease with a plant-like name. He said it was better that way. I agree. We both had great orgasms and could go about our lives in the way that they were before tour. "what happens on tour stays on tour" or does it.

I still feel things. From the way it felt to lay next to him after we had both orgasmed and the light was coming up over the city. Drapped over each other, every moment was worth it. Heat from his body, it's still affecting me. The way he looked at me today, like I was somebody in his life. The way I avoided his eye contact yesterday and instead delighted in my daydreams of him as I knew he was sleeping soundly in the backseat after being up all night. Feeling incredibly naughty from the time I feel asleep, still tasting him until his girlfriend showed up to pick him up and he gave me a huge hug.

Our bodies want to be together. Thank goodness I have the sense to know that he is an alcoholic, cheating, egotistic asshole who at 31 doesn't know what he wants. Good thing he has a girlfriend, because sometimes I think it's ok to be with someone like that, since the sexual chemistry can't be beat.

Perhaps I was his final fling before he becomes a steady boyfriend & fiance. Perhaps, as I have believed it to be forever, men are just not made of the same structure, and boys will be boys and I can look forward to the man I fall in love with to be a 16 year old who can't resist cheating.

But could I resist cheating? I don't know. I don't know, given the option, if I could. I was so attracted to both M and SL also, how the hell would I have kept cool if they had hit on me also? This is a different world than when my parents got together. Will I ever get it, give up with monogomos ideals and princess dreams? I don't know if I can. I have to believe that there is some kind of magical love in the world and it is still out there for me to experience. Or I'd probably be lost.

Part of what I experienced with B boy was very magical. This chemical attraction we couldn't resist, we felt instantaiously and at very first meeting. Our bodies wanted to be together.

Sunday morning he came so beautifully. His penis was so full and large and gorgeous. I so wanted to actually have sex with him, I found it so beautiful. I love having sexual relations, sexual experiences. It is so rewarding to give and recieve this kind of personal attention. I will live on that exchange for at least a month before I start to beat myself up again. (kidding) (not really)

Can you tell I've been PROCESSING?

"Ooo this could be messy"

....and it kinda was