subtle tea

despite my disappointment at my contant virginity (read with a hint of sarcasm please) I've had an excellent weekend.

Shawn & I watched Madonna live on HBO, having failed to secure tickets. I probably found out about it after it was sold out. Dinner with Kevin and Erin, the show with Jen & kathy & Kayla. Very relaxing. Life is good, you know. I have a lot of work to do today, but I can't believe this contentment. Don't I have a problem to deal with? Has happiness settled into this flesh? Is the blackness there? Yes, I'm sure... lurking, throwing a subtle tea in my subconcious.

I've been thinking about Brian. Even more than I ever should. I CAN'T like him. But who ever said that? And why is the past ruling, and the possiblity of gossip? Don't I like him? aren't I a different person? And here come the answer...

there has to be a reason that I won't consider him. My fear. ah-ha! If this sounds like a ranting self-talk, deal, and woah doggies! Here it comes!!!! I can't like him because I will beat up on myself until I believe that he will never like me back. And what do I have to blame? the extra flesh. The pounds. too many years of loving hostess instead of me. too much pinching/cutting my own skin because I couldn't stand to feel the emotional pain and I wanted to feel something real. I'm not feeling. I do EVERYTHING I can do to to avoid caring because caring has ended in disappointment. And i am an absolutely ridiculous self-fullfilling prophecy. And I do like brian. In fact, I think he would be right for me. FUCK my self concious. FUCK THE FAT. Plenty of other people get fucked. In fact out of all of the obesity in the US, I am pretty sure some of them have a bit of fat on them! But will I ever accept it? No. But do I have the willpower to change it? ...

Does it matter? I've tried to ask myself that question so many times.. and no, it doesn't. But yes, it does. I'm lonely. I want to have crazy, ridiculous sex everywhere. affection. I can love, and I want to share myself. And this recent development is currently locked horns with my long held decision that I don't deserve to date/fuck/love because I am overweight. But for tonight it doesn't matter, and I have plenty of good orgasms, but day to day I feel like a piece is missing. IS there a point when a human is too much self-fullfilled? Where independance takes presidence over relationships?

For the love of snack pack pudding, I'm only 25. Fuck this. I should just go out a dittle every man I find attractive but I can't switch off my thoughts.

Sarah Harmer is rocking my world tonight.