another time and another place

he did want me. like I wanted him. but he couldn't. we didn't. and we talked. and then we layed there feeling the energy rush through our hands. and all we could say was "wow" and just wonder at the raw sexual energy we had between each other. and when we had driven each other too crazy to stand it, I left without a goodbye kiss, without finality, because I was beginning to cry.

Yes, because I was feeling something! I had myself a good cry. It was an amazing feeling. To cry myself to sleep, and feel the tears that had been so lacking in my depression. And today, even though I am still upset that I may never feel that kind of passion again, I know that if we had slept together, I would have been completely hooked. I love that I have had these passionate feelings, as completely unsatisfying as they are, I am feeling, the good with the bad, at an intensity that is new and exciting and unknown and scary and SO REAL.

I think I cried mainly because I was so frustated. He excites me like no man I have ever met. And the energy between us is quite amazing. And we are helpless to it. And now I know that all my feelings are mutual, which is an amazing realization. He knew when he first met me, just like I knew.

He was incredibly real last night. Noble in his choice, honest in our conversations and I know now what is going on in his head. We leos are very similiar. He said that I was an incredibly strong and independant woman, that if this was 2 years ago, we would be together no questions asked. He said once I meet someone to be with that guy is going to be like "WOW" she is and amazing person. He wanted me to know that the rejection was not ME, it was the choice to be faithful to Jane. It wasn't because he wasn't attracted to me, he didn't find me sexy and he didn't want to be with me.

during our should-we-shouldn't-we deliberation I said to him "You won't be losing anything by not sleeping with me, but you would be if you did" He had to answer "Yes I would, I would be losing the experience of being with you. And that is what scares me."

The thing that is making me cry now, is the moment after the heavy petting, after the deep talk about where his head is, we just layed there, feeling this energy, passing from our bodies, in silence, thinking the same thing, but knowing I needed to leave his room. And finally I said "I'm sorry I don't want to leave" and he said "I don't want you to leave". And I had to. By that time this intense energy was just too much for me. He was kissing my hand and I was on the edge of tears.

I have never felt such an intense passion. I don't know when I will ever feel it again. Perhaps it is excellerated by the fact that we can't have each other, and if we do it is the rebellious spirit. To me it was rare and exquisite. And it makes me think of how many times am I going to feel that? And will I miss any chance I had to express it??? In his words "People who feel this should be having sex."

It started like usual. A hug. A kiss initiated by him. And I said what was that? "a goodnite kiss" and there was no way to drop it. Until we dropped it and ended it. What happens on tour...

"Another time and another place"

~Ben (during our last hug, my head pressed into his naked chest)