4 months

I�m sick of this.

Sick. Tired. I don�t know how anyone could survive this. And how can I? I am strong, but something is about to break. The medication makes me so sick. I am tired and queasy and the panic is so bad I have convinced myself I am dying of other ailments: heart attack, skin cancer, internal bleeding. In the evening I can barely stand, I am so weak, and it�s all I can to just to keep breathing.

I am noticing how close we all are to death. Just steps from it everyday. That seems so peaceful.

I can�t imagine what life on the outside of depression is like. I am so sick of using all my energy to hide my illness. Making up excuses for my delinquency. I can barely make it out of bed and to work. I have rehearsed how to be normal and now I am on autopilot. Make no mistake, I can feel death. This must be what it feels like. To know the slowest, least capable and horrific parts of yourself, while struggling to not let them paralyze you, to live with in the horror and not let anything escape beyond your skin.