all that's inside

there is an emptiness in my life. undefinable void. i have tried everything to fill it but it sits inside and sings for something. i don't know what it is yet. the better i get from the depression the more the hole sings. i hear it all the time, breathing out into a icy world. and disapating out but nothing comes back to fill the breath. i am trying to connect to the rest of the world. and each futal breath disapates. where is the failure then? my attempt to connect or the disconnection of the world?

do i need a filler? What have i tried, let's see: religion, lack of religion, philosophy, deep breathing, drugs, alcohol, antidepressants, friends, masterbation, writing, acting, directing, living in the woods, disappearing as a no-name into a city, moving away from home, moving back home, therapy, cybersex, online diaries, research, planning out my life, theatre theatre theatre, working out, being a total sloth, making a lot of money, taking road trips... i could go on but i won't. I'm reminded of something Romulus Liney said when I heard him speak this year. He said that his life has been dark and terrible. Someone asked him what makes it worth it. He said music. I agree. I would be completely lost if my life had no sound track.

I have a fear that this void has to be filled by myself. that i can't blame any circumstance or occasion or childhood failure. It's still hard to see the end of tired days and days that i don't long to be in bed 50% of the time.

But most of all, it's hard to know that I will be 25 in a few short months and my life is not, or ever going to be the life I imagined it to be. I am not who I expected. I don't even think I would be friends with me if I knew me. I am all the things I hate about other people. How does one face that everyday? Learn to live? Learn to love it? I wanted to be somebody. All those superficial things I wanted as a child, I still want them. I still hope for them. I still expect that when it turns into next year I will come up with the motivation to do them.

and somewhere in the separation between who I am and who I think I want to be is a major source of all the darkness in my life. It makes me want to throw up all my emotions because they feel false. And I want to jump off of tall buildings and end the drama inside. It's like a chord that can't quite modulate and end the song on the right note. And i am angry. So angry as I sit in front of my laptop expressionless and motionless in my quaint apartment with my good friends calling and my jobs and moving and almost certain perfection... so much anger is there that I want to cut myself to feel pain. Depression is such a void, an antifeeling that it is hard to imagine life exists beyond the engulfing blackness.

For now, it's sleep, sweet and gentle peace, then stupid work. then eat then sleep. When will it get better?