avoidance

I'm sick of people complaining about the weather. As for me...mmm another week of cloudy 60's and a constant chance a rain makes me smile.

Work today is like pins and needles. I was fitful last night and my back is achy. I wish it would rain. Hard and leak through all 25 floors until it reaches me. and everyone would be panicking. yes. A trib tower destroying rainstorm is in order. I order it god!! I have to fax bozo show pictures now.

I have something to say. But there's no need to say it. I have something to do but why not sit down instead. I have something inside which can't decide if it is black or sparkly pink. I am stunted by the person I am inside. Why can't I penetrate these defense shields I have put up for myself? I wound myself everytime I try. And how big of a person can I be before I just give up? The struggle seems no longer to be momentary. It's not going to get better with the next move, the next diet, the next job the next haircut. It's going to follow me, what's inside is not leaving until I purge.

I haven't done anything today. I want to call everyone I know and tell them that I feel like throwing up. But what I really want is to empty everything inside and start again without baggage and issues and self-esteem and barriers and low brain chemicals and virginity. How does one bridge who one is with what you want to be? OR maybe, I'm smarter than I think --how do I become who I am?

I'm going to paint my toenails red tonight and wait for enlightenment.