songs are like tattoos, you know I've to sea before, crown and achor me or let me sail away. Oh blue.

I'm going to really miss Rachel this summer. I can't believe she's leaving already. She is always there for me. She always laughs at my stupid jokes. We have this terrific repore. She keeps me edgy and from falling into a slup of stupidity. She's challenges me like all good friends should. I wonder what she thinks of my recluse-cat-lovin-depressed-and-sick-all-the-time ass? If she wasn't so god damn nice she would probably tell me to suck it up. She's doing what she wants with her life. I'm jealous of her being up at players. But mostly I am going to missing haveing another friend like chris who is calm and settled and I can relax with, and shares laughter with me. Someone who I feel knows me. I still can't believe that I'm spending a summer here. The city is annoying. I can't get away from people bitching about something.

I didn't take an umbrella this morning. and while I wished I had, it was almost momentary. I was soaking by the time I got to the train. I wasn't neat or well kept. I am wearing 3 different colors of black with a fine layer of cat hair covering me from head to toe. I feel like the world is watching me. My pants are too short and tight. My hair is curling the wrong way, my clothes have spots and wrinkles. Is that smell coming from me? The effexor makes me sweat. There are 2 big scabs on my chin from zits. I can't win. I feel like I couldn't even if I tried. i can't be put together. I'm always late. It's like somebody stole the gene that makes you calm, cool and put toghether, from me long, long ago and as much as I try, I can't get it back. I wish I didn't feel like I just climbed out of a slime pool. Ugly ugly ugly.

I saw the clock at 2:35. Chris was asleep on his bed, fully clothed. I wonder why he does this. I turned off his light, went to the bathroom and got back into bed. The cats hadn't moved an inch. They totally hoged the bed last night. It was 50 and I slept right next to my open window all night. I saw the clock again at 3:35, 5:37, 6:15-6:40 and then at the 4th chim of my ultra-annoying alarm. It's no wonder I didn't want to get out of bed.

I've done nothing but numb my brain with internet all morning. I've postponed my lunch with jamie due to increment weather. I finally just sat down and wrote Jaime an email instead of the letter I keep starting over. I can't write anything but this innane diary anymore. I don't like to toss the blackness of depression about to my friends and the people I love.

and for the record, It's now been 10 weeks on effexor and I still would rather sleep or throw myself in front of a train than go to work.

"keep smilin

keep shinin

knowin you can always count on me

that's for sure

that's what friends are for"

~ah sweet dion worwick~