judy, beaches, open spaces and voids

Today�s a fine day. Damn fine. Judy and I laughed. We laughed. She praised me for what a delightful personality I have when I am not depressed. I thought this was a bunch of crap but I am really learning a lot being counseled. I enjoyed today. But then again today I am also enjoying work.

There�s a different sky above and differentness in the air when there is not that big black thing in the way.

The ugly people have disappeared. They used to scare me a little. ;) It�s just I used to see all the ugliness and today I remember how it is to think in rainbows. No bananas raining today in my little world. What am I going to do tonight with all the energy I have? All the fun has been squeezed out of my life. Through voids, drugs and illness. But it is there inside. AND IT WANTS TO GO HIKING!!!!

I long to feel the freedom I felt on my many trips to the ocean last spring. Wild abandon adventures through rural Rhode Island. Following maps until you get to a destination and then taking a different route home. I collected shells and made up songs to yet to be written musicals (with a main character who is a cross between me and ariel from The Little Mermaid, naturally) and wrote pages of poems and felt the only spiritualness I know. It was a cold ocean, like the water I say goodbye to after a summer in door county, dormant but still restless from the summer activity. There are no adventures off into the wild of this jungle city unless the train goes in that direction. But there is no desire in me. I want space and clear water and skyline that is not interrupted by an establishment. Maybe then it would feel a bit more like home.

Judy was so enlightening today! GO her!! Hoorah for health coverage. It was very positive. And I feel positive. I just cannot let myself go in to a slump when I get home. There are things to do at home. It�s Wednesday and there is painting to do and new cds to gorge on.