not so memorable

the diary has been tainted. I think. Or my head has been locked and or my thoughts were stolen by many bowls of icecream and written into deeply romantic songs which are accompanied by piccalos and bass clarinets. I told Rachel today that the medication was working. And so it is. Bordem, however, along with my now strong bond to my couch and television, is another obstacle. Tonight I am going to research AEA stage management positions and other factors concerning my brillent future in nonprofit theatre. AH, drugs, so far my most healing and calming remedy. Fear. If I could say I idealize one thing in others it is their fearless nature. Confidence to say what they think. To be who they are. I am learning. To like myself, to not fear what is behind the great gates of my emotion. I never cry. No matter what the depression does to me. I cried twice. Both were during major panic attacks. And definately overdue. Do you suppose this will contine? Will I always be the stolic? Will I ever be passionate? I haven't stopped sweating since noon. Oooo, what a spectaclar summer this will be. Note to self: you chose to stay in tonight. you did have multiple plans you could have accepted. You needed some "you" time.