hot night while kitten sleeps in laundry

it's hot. i'm dripping with sweat and i wish there were someone to share it with. In my unintended abstinence, i thank the gods for a window airconditioner and a good hearted roommate who knew I could not lift it, yet lifted it into my window and not his.

I heard beautiful music today. I miss hearing voices singing, in class, in halls and all around me. I miss singing, group singing of ancient songs. It's such a dying art form. And now quite expensive. But from philip glass, I am now bopping my head to royal crown revue.

I ignored the pleas of a homeless woman tonight. I've seen her before. In the winter she hobbled through the train cars on crutches blessing the passengers who ignored her. And when her voice stopped as she passed into another car, everyone began to breathe. I do think about those more unfortunate. I rarely give to people begging. Shouldn't I though? Shouldn't I give to them? My expensive clothes which I hate? My left over lunch? All the money I spend frivulously? I can't help the way the world is. I try my best to be nice and friendly but I am to scared to give money, to sit and talk to a homeless person. I am distant, from a world of privilege. Shall we talk about my 4 trips to europe before I turned 22? Or how about my perfect family life where no one was abused, I get whatever I want or need and my parents are loving and can afford to have many vacations and will soon retire on their 7 beautiful acres of woods? I hate that someone is paid to clean. I can't think of a more demeaning job. How much more privileged can I be that someone cleans up my messes, empties the garabages at work, and washes the windows were I shop and eat or cleans my sidewalks? Enough of the tirade.

I am lucky. I've lived through dyslexia. I've survived depression. I'm the oldest living virgin. but I'm strong underneath and somehow I know that homelessness could never happen to me. What does that make me? I am also hard on my self. How much stronger can I be?

I just want to be myself.

WHO?