A branding for today

this was a weekend to talk to old friends. to clean. to reorganize. to read poetry.

i finished a book!! THis is a major accomplishment. I cleaned. I felt good. I laughed a lot.

I miss Rachel. I miss losing my shoes. I miss saturday nights a club kaos and the warehouse. I miss techs and blacks. I miss darkness and bare wall crawl spaces. I miss big back yards were you are not afraid to cartwheel and forests which become other lands and swimming in the large waves not caring what kind of swim suit you are wearing. I miss canoeing with wade. I miss cross country meets. I miss posted cast lists. I miss being trailer trash. I miss tracey. and erin and nato and jeremy and fickle fickle ivy and my one month roommate on the syracuse campus whose I can't remember. I miss the roses in ireland. I miss the adoration of boys in europe when I claimed to want to wait to have sex until marriage. I miss being mopping molly who moped the best to new order. I miss riding trains when I am not riding to work. I miss dancing. I miss recitals. And good conductors. I miss stage makeup, corsets and bird seed boobs. I miss drinking until I'm sick. I miss biking washington island and combating black flies on rock island. I miss brotherly batterings. I miss christmas' I believed in. I miss ignorance and apathy and black hatred. I miss peace in the lord. I miss pragues ancient cathedrals. I miss 40's in Sommerville. I miss the view from the empire state building. I miss sweet swisher sweets on humid nights in riverside park. I miss guitars playing indigo girls and harmony. I miss ghosts. I miss wine mixing with 10 page one-nighters. I miss football games where I know the players. I miss the rock garden. I miss high in the courtyard with the sky full of stars. I miss cackling on the shore. I miss moonsets. I miss swimming at krones. I miss leaky windows and spider webs. I miss black diamonds at steamboat. I miss driving around. I miss dan chosa. I miss muscle tone. I miss the graveyard on wolf river road. I miss walking in the rain in houghton with david. I miss applause. I miss impossible driveways with spanish dance party neighbors. I miss jules. I miss camp techawitha. I miss the luna bar. I miss the transfer list. I miss birthday parties.

It's amazing how much a life packs in. But I know I must let it go. I live in a solitude which is not prescribed. And produces regressing diary entries. I might want to barbaque up those journals soon.

I want a tattoo. I know when you are depressed you aren't supposed to make rash decisions but I have been thinking seriously. I told Chris what I wanted and he says "so big!" Yah. I want the pain. But mostly, I want something that will remind me that my body is not permenant. It's not my only asset. I need to own it, brand it instead of letting other's opinions, or my imagination of their opinions determine how I think and feel. I need a symbol and I think I have found something which could evolve. Like me.

"On your own...if they follow you... don't look back..."

"It only happens once a year.

it only happens once in a lifetime

Make the most of it

Second just to being born

Second just to dying too

What else could you do?"

~Belle and Sabastian

"But I know we can't all stay here forever,

so I want to write my words on the face of today

and then they'll paint it"

~Blind Melon