Anybody like cheese?

All�s quiet at the photo front...The documents are rolling off my desk into somebody else�s hands like water off a duck�s back...Everything�s coming up newspapers!!!

Ok, ok, enough of the high cheese. Now to the low down cheese. I am accomplishing menial tasks. I am caught up at work and now deciding whether to twiddle my thumbs or contemplate major world destruction is occupying me. I cleaned my room last night. I suppose I wouldn�t if I didn�t have to find my work Id. That�s not Id like in Freud (although sometimes I swear that little card walks) but ID.

It is nice and peaceful in my room now. I am peaceful. But the disturbing thing is how much I miss the violence. I enjoy being happy, laughter, having a good time, but at the end of the day I miss the diffusing melancholy which used to share my solitude. My solitude now seems mediocre. And while I get things done, it doesn�t seem deep enough. It�s a bit uneasy forgetting how you feel at each moment, being able to leave the feeling of loneliness behind. Isn�t a feeling of loss understandable?

More than this, the drugs are beginning to unbury my true feelings. Buried alive, behind large walls and in deep caverns of a mountain. I hid from any kind of sunlight and everything that had the potential to hurt me. And especially people. This newness is frightening. I must change. Will I like who I am? It�s beneath all that I used to cover it up for years and years. It seems pure and protected. It�s not dirty enough. Will I still be hungry for life and curious and searching for answers??? Or will I be settling for a mediocre life? These are my antidepressant fears. And they make me sad and then I feel better. I FREAKIN LOVE CONTRADICTION.

I am catching up. It�s good. It�s good.