what's new is not news.

it's been days, it's been ages since I have indulged in the sweet gooi-ness of the self-satisfying diary. These days I feel slightly like I am working in a vacumn. I feel that I have so much to do that the time is taken from me and it's been difficult to do anything at night. And I have hbo & no internet so I've been trying zone out, high above the city.

Last weekend I saw my family at a wedding of a cousin and I realized that as hardened as I may want to make myself, I guess I want the dream. The man, the white dress (I think mine would be baby blue) but mostly, I feel a little overwhelmed right now in my "transition time" and am missing my friends, SO I felt that it was such a great thing, this wedding, not for me of course but for the people getting married. WHy can't I just have an occasion where all my friends come and party for a night. I think I could live as a recluse forever after that (with a sex slave of course).

And then last night. I had a great time at Sara and Mel's. It was so nice to see them again, to be relaxed and meet new people and be with people my age. My apartment is desolate. I have a fucking murphy bed, leather couchs and fake fruit for decorations. It's really lavish, but it's not me at all. I am on the 26th floor. I keep dreaming about small furry animals. I miss my kitties. I think I am sad today. A little alcohol and cigarettes and lack of sleep I am sure. I should go to calhoun square tonight, or maybe do my laundry.

I keep waiting for the my good life to arrive. I keep waiting for me to become somebody. I keep waiting for what I'm missing while I watch other people get it. AND lost is where I like to be.