morning

It's morning. Not the kind I need. I could stay up forever. I'm half watching thirtysomething and half avoiding the emotional fabric suffocating my heart. All I want to do is run away. Forget to feel.

We went to a bar. Like Brother's in LaCrosse. Cheesy dance music, loud, warm, smoky. And the people. All those normal people. It was strange. I fit in. I try. I danced. I love to dance and there I feel free... but I felt like a leper... sweaty, fat and suddenly inferior because I am wearing a full shirt w/o sequence. Does that make me less girly? I have "mauve ice" nail polish on!

And then I have this conversation following, at SMJ's w/ brian and I come out with something like "sex is just sex after a while" Where the fuck? I am playing a game with myself and everyone around me. How much can I not care about the thing I am most insecure about. How much can I lie about my sexual status? Chris, Jen & Sarah are the only ones who really know that I am a virgin. I overcompensate.

The more I observe people, and I see what the guys are looking at, the less hopeful I get. I have such beautiful friends, and jen is just a magnet for guys. There is a deep hope inside me to have someone notice me, only me, me first for a fucking change.... is it a leo thing.... no, it's an ego thing. I even had that tonight, I knew I could have danced with this guy if I wanted to, but I am just picky and scared.

It felt so good to Rollerblade on Monday. Like the wind. Like I was skiing again, or flying and terrifically powerful. I am glad that I really felt good about it, now if I only had the time to do it. And I would have loved to sweat.

Used to room in a toom

where I'd sit and freeze

get me now

Holy COW!

Would someone pinch me please?

OW!

I think I'm gonna like it here...

I would love to stay here. I really like it. It feels like home. Now I only wish that my body could ever feel like hom