so much for spine/soul

Today, Ben & I talked, and I feel like a new person. Not that we talked about something important, just that we talked and are joking around. I felt like a human again. We were just communicating as humans. And that is what is important to me. And the "I want to fuck you feeling" is, well, dimishing as I separate myself from the situation. And I just want to be liked, down at the heart of me. Let's get right to the heart of it. Lets.

I am going to dye that man right out of my hair. Tonight. Rosewood by Natural Instincts. Or maybe I will drink and do the hair tomorrow morning. I think it is very strange that I am becoming so girly, now that I have someone to impossibly pine over or am feeling better. Nails, hair, makeup. Become what you are.

I like the fact that I am becoming always. I looked down at my nails today and thought, "that is so not cool" But they are pretty. THey are pink and growing and shiny and they make me look together. And I kind of like that and I kind of don't. Because in a way I want to be hard and unreachable. And in too many ways, I want to be reached in an unreachable state, but i want to be reached out to as I am, in the mood I am in, in the emotions I show, in the damned color of my nail polish. "Iced Mauve" And the more I get used to myself. The more settled, the more I accepting others will be. I know this.

I just had another great IM with Brian. Too many B's in my diary. I'm going back to Jasons. NO I"m not. Sarah would get a kick out of this bumper sticker I saw today. Stupid People Should Not Be Allowed To Breed But then who would repopulate the planet? I'm so damned cynical. But you know that I want the whole kids/family/dog/house dream. Life can be so lonely without people.

HOw far I have come in a very short time. I could cry at the amazement.

Beth at the G today, told me that "from your references, it sounds like you could work whereever you wanted to". She would like to offer me the job. She was "taken" with me.

Am I special? I kind of feel like I am right now.

"Everything's coming up roses"

And I don't know why.