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It's late at night. But the earliest I have been in my room in 2 nights. 2 days in a row of 5am bedtimes. Nobody to put me to bed. Cards. Boys. Darts. Pool. And all things wonderful.

Ben kissed me again yesterday. After the bars, before cards. I can't decide if I am discusted by him or turned on. This social problem I have with him, not being able to communicate, and not knowing what is going on is hard on me. I want to fuck him. I want him to go away. I want to like him and connect with him. But I want to be independant and not show him how much I like him. I don't want to be thrown out at the end of this tour, and I know this will happen. I don't want him to be my first but I don't want to pass up a chance to have sex.

What am I doing? I would be so much more aggressive with him if I knew in my head whether or not I wanted to have sex with him. I am scared. I am weakened under him. I feel like a child in his arms and I like that. I don't like feeling self-concious around him, I want to be adored and dominant. I don't want to be the fool who is left after the mist of flirtation has left. And this WILL happen if I have sex.

Why do I have to think, think think???? WHY can't I just do???

DO him and leave this emotion behind. This sex thing behind. I don't want it dangling like candy. I don't want to face the decision of losing my virginity on a daily basis. I don't want to have to go through a "bad first time" with ANYONE. I don't want to be a fool. I want to be his fool. I want respect. I want to be used.

I don't know what I want. Someone please tell me what I want. I want to call and leave him a message and tell him to come over when he comes home. Come over across the hall and take me in my sadness. Take my virginity and help me move forward. I am so terrible at communicating. The boys won't be home until way after bar time. I know this. AND maybe they will come home with girls.

God, I am so scared of this wall I have come to on my journey. Yet I know it is something I cannot avoid. I cannot become a normal person, Become the person I want to be without climbing. Without pounding my way through the wall. Without seeing what I have on the other side. What emotions I have to feel, what growth I have, What resources are inside me that have gone untouched.

But this is all well and good in my diary. This is all wonderfully worded out. But the words don't have to go through the breaking of my wall. The fear of being "bad" or getting pregnant. Or the knowledge, how I know myself, know that I will wake up tomorrow and he will be the first thing on my mind. And that if we start to sleep together, it may be a once and a while thing, or it may be a one time only thing, or it may be nothing again. And he will go back to his apartment, where his love waits, his life, and a person who he depends on.

And I will come out of this with nothing but the hurt of emptiness. I will be left without my fucking precious virginity. The thing I can't even remember if it IS precious. I'll have only the exprience of him. Boys used to be so committed to me, in my athletic days. They liked me more than I could ever like them. And I don't like to have crushes. To like to much. To be the one who pursuits. What will he leave me with? Certainly not the love poems from Brad or the song lyrics from Ben or the knowledge for that one moment someone liked me so much that they cryed for me. No one has liked me that much in a long, long time. And why am I on the opposite side.

What does the girl in this affair get?

The pleasure of waiting, worrying and not knowing.

the wonderful secret knowledge that I have given up my virginity. GO WHORE, GO WHORE, GO GO GO WHORE!

Yes, this has been the over riding dilemma. IF anyone gets to the end of this, please offer an opinion.