a wavering well-thought-out plan for cherry losing.

I am wavering. About the boy. Of course. Everything in else in my life is wonderful. But....

I fantasize about sex all the time. I am so horney. And I want to have sex. What should stop me? Really? If I am this sexually driven, isn't that a gift? Aren't there whole advise columns & talk shows about women who don't want to have sex, aren't there a million men out there wishing they had more sex? I fear it as much as I want it, but I know I must cross over this huge mountain in front of me before I can move forward. I would be so much more aggressive with B, with any man, if I were more confident in my sexual abilities. And I need to learn. And I will. Who better to learn from than a 31 year old? Mertle, (the new nickname for my vibrator) has seen better days, and no longer gives me enjoyment.

I bought condoms today. And contraceptive film. Oh, don't ask what the hell I was thinking. I know. I kept thinking I would run into one of my company. It was very funny now that I think about it. But damn it. I am 25 and should be having sex.

There would only be a couple of rules if I made it with this boy:

1) Nobody knows, including his girlfriend (ever).

2) We keep talking to each other.

I guess what I am thinking now is that I so rarely find a man that I am VERY sexually attracted to. It is rare. And this guy, is not perfect, and I already see his flaws, so I know I would not want to have a long term relationship with him. HELL, I wouldn't be his girlfriend for anything.

I don't know how I feel about infidelity. I don't know how I feel about love. I don't know how I feel about sex. I don't know how I feel about relationships. And I think it is time to start feeling something.

Maybe, this would be an experiment in emotion. Sexual experimentation that is long overdue. I have not felt guilty about making out with random boys, going home and sleeping in my own bed, and I know that I would not want him to sleep over, (I did that with Christian and it was WAY too wierd in the morning). And besides he snores.

So the final question is, how to approach him, here are samples that I have brainstormed:

"So, I've been thinking, we should really be sleeping together"

"Why did you kiss me in Ames? It makes me so hot and bothered when you do that"

"Do you want to come over and tuck me in?"

"Why don't you walk me to my room?"

"What are we going to do about this sexual tension between us?"

"When are we going to finish what we have started?"

"Do you know how bad I want you?"

Jesus, this whole tour has been one big foreplay session...

I am really laughing at myself right now. Good think this is going to be documented for all the world to see. Tune in tomorrow when the 25 year old loses her cherry. Ok, well, urh, um, correction, Any day now we expect her to get up the courage to take the boy any place it is convinient. It is just so hard to tell with these want-to-be 's.

ha.

At least I can have a sense of humor about the whole thing. I am going to go search the internet now for tips on giving blow jobs...