I only get this sappy when I have a crush...

I have given up my torid affair with becoming a Non-virgin. THe opportunity is lost. But only my hormons are disappointed. Well, and there is that other part of me. The part that likes to cuddle. I don't like to admit that exists, but I want to be in a relationship, wake up with someone, hold someone's hand. Yes, it happens to the best girls. Ah, volunerablity. Still don't know who I want to be.

I've been smoking too much. There has to be some reason why I have to quit, I just can't think of it right now.

Been tossing around the idea of spending a month of intensive French study in the Alps this summer, while I have the time and cash. It's almost too tempting. My brain has been away too long.

Going to MichTech on next tour. Dude. David. Been thinking about him. I wonder how harlem is for him. I wonder how life is for him.

I miss my friends.

S might get a job with the tour. I am not sure that I want that. I feel a bit of resentment from him, a bit of competitiveness, and some standoffishness from both of them. Why is that?? I feel everyone's emotions on this tour. Depression, sexual repressiong, resentment, egos... I know about it all. And that is the only way I want it. Somebody has to take the burden, and I would rather their's that my own. Not like my life is so terrible. But I like to soak up my own lonliness in someone else's trouble.

Night ramblings. I need to nap until morning. Wrap me up in my soft clean sheets and blankets and remember what it felt like to be held, imagine myself in big strong arms. If I prayed, I would pray only for that.

I only get this sappy when I have a crush...