postcards from the middle

I'm back to this new normal. I squashed my boy obsession until he was white power and then snorted him. After that self-assured high, I feel uneasy. I keep wanting to settle back into my depressive state, and it's blocked. It was a place I kind of felt safe in. contentment is so boring.

There are a lot of things I should be doing at 1am. We drive again at 8am. I am going to be very happy when the tour is ended and I get a break. I think... I love being busy. I love being around all of these people and to be without it, will be very empty. Very. And I feel that I am losing my friends, being absent from their lives, not being able to fix them or share in their problems. In other words, the world is going on around me and beneath me and I am floating above in some parallel universe where fucking someone else's live-in boyfriend is "ok" because of my strong lust and losing one's virginity to a extra-marital affair (well, basically) is the only option. NO I won't go any further down that road.

Accept to say that I have no regrets. I am still dealing with it well, I felt some tears, and something of a strange wind mixed up things inside me. But for the better. Feeling emotion is good. Expressing emotion is good. I have to remember that I am NOT the girl I idolize.

still sore from bowling. But making mad necklaces and deciding on creativity instead of drunken nights in some bar lusting over men I cannot take home. And it turns out that the Faery Cards are almost always correct.

I am going to miss everyone dreadfully. They have become my family, friends and the life beyond work. They have become the constant. Is that healthy?

Day off on Tuesday in the city. I know that the universe has to be wiser than I. I have been thinking about visiting Jeremy. And it's scary.