Here's Hoping.

goodmorning. another day off in the lovliest of Holiday Inn Express's. Do I really think I can handle another whole year of touring?

I slept until 11:30 today and woke to the most amazingly disturbing dream. It was way too detailed, too filled with true anxiety and I still remember every detail. Cloudy, I went to lunch w/Shawny and spent the rest of the day in a bead shop. I spent over 200 dollars on beads today!! BEADS!! I am a bead snob, I shop for the semi-precious stones and I am making pearl necklaces for grandma and mom for the holiday. I also care very little about how many numbers I have in my checking account, as long as the numbers continue to be deposited.

Have I mentioned I hate holidays? I suppose it is too late at night to validate a complaint of general nostalgia and lonliness...

After last week with Ben, I have kind of numbed out. I have made 7 necklaces, ate a lot, drank and smoked too much, slept little and tried to deny any emotion or sexual feeling. It isn't working. Without being near him, every feeling and emotion seems so depressed and void. It's like feeling heat after years of living cold. And now I have to live without it again. And it is hard to feel a deeper void. But I've been good at ignoring him and acting like i'm "ok" because how else could I be?

Deep down, I want a soul mate more than anything in the world. I want somebody to notice me. To love me. And it is sappy and stupid but I have to tell myself who I am, or I will never, ever believe it.

Something is awakening. And it's cranky.

Somebody draw me a picture of who I am. Tell me everything. What am I to you and what are you to me? It's blurry tonight. Tomorrow, it is my hope to wake without dreaming, and to dream without mistaking it for the life I am living. Hope.