From somewhere between life and death: in the holds of depression/kick me

I thought I would try to see how I would feel w/o my meds for a day. Silly girl, please leave the psyc experiments for the innocent rodents with little mind-body connection.

Ben says to me "did you not sleep well last night?" I says back "um, why do I look like it?" And I get the response "no, you just seem frazzled."

Humph, oh boy he's sexy.

But I am. I am frazzled and that is the perfect word for it. I feel fragile, like the moment before a cry or after a laugh which could go on forever. My back hurts a lot. From my bowling accident, spending too many hours beading, or getting a consistant 10 hours of sleep each day plus naps? There a million reasons which could all lead back to my days in bed w/pain killers. I can't decide if I am out of shape or just sad or getting the flu.

There are so many good things in my life that are lurking just above the surface, and it just seems that I can't get there. I see something shiny and blurry but this funked-up depression has keeped me down and comfortable with the deep blackness for so long... or maybe it's all in my head and I need to be kicked.

I wonder if this is all karma kickback from ben. But there is so much more than him right now. I just have 10 more days before i have a whole month off of work.

I'm scared. Of freedom, back pain, depression, talking to relatives, being alone, being intimate, of knowing nothing, going nowhere, believing, stoicism, Dying alone, emotion and any other contradiction.

My great uncle is dying.

And tonight I am just sad. It's been a hard day. Mama said there'd be days like this...