"life as a virgin" take 360--

It's been a tough week. Saturday night, and it's the one night this week that I feel like staying in. But there is a brew pub across the street and we are in a perfect place. The boys even said something about playing poker tomorrow. Humm... Last time I played poker I ended up sleeping with Ben. Literally folks, I'm still a virgin. AND so wanting him. Why is it so hard to let go of this sexual feeling? Urggg. It's like killing me.

So I don't know if it is my holiday blues, but I have moments where I sink deep into where I was last year. Depressed and lonely and shaking and vomity. But then I feel fine. When I am no longer around Ben, life will be much better... I can get on with my life.

Holidays do suck. and malls are so much more fun when they are empty. I am making almost all my presents. I wish I had a cabin in the woods and I could send people cool pieces of birch with sticks and leaves and moss for xmas. Something full of life.

It's been hard to be in a room alone. It feels so confining, and television bores me to tears, and reading doesn't take my mind off Ben and ...

We only have a week off before I have almost a month off w/o working. What will I do??