a whirl of gunk. hate this junk. not the punk. what a funk.

this crazy life of mine. I am so hit or miss these days. What does the moment hold-- depends, what mood is Molly in? It seems like my honeymoon period is gone with these people. I am ready to say anything, mean it and tell the truth. Shouldn't that be how I live everyday? I don't. I pacify, I confirm, I empathize, I listen, I am there for you, I calm, I sympathize. The problem with this (according to the psychologists/psychiatrists) is that I don't allow anyone to do this with me. I don't allow anyone close enough to see those feelings, I don't even let myself experience them.

I think I might need to make a few new friends... somebody who will listen to me and hear what I have to say. And confirm and empathize. Michelle is the closest I have, who seems to use those unconditional-love kidgloves and always be there.

I guess it is hard to be self-sustaining. The end of this tour has been drastically lonely and I find that I am out of phone calls and my voice mail is empty. I don't mean this as a guilt trip to the amazing people who I love who read this diary.

But I am discovering, as I am maturing, getting/attempting to get healthy and happy, how much desparing loneliness is beneath my facade.

Perhaps being with ben for those short moments... opening up this new-found sexuality, the energy and feeling of coupledom has somehow infected my brain. Leroy dying alone after burying 3 wifes, his single daughter at his side. I am wanting someone to be with. Alone is no longer the option it once was. I want a family because it is another angry holiday season that reeks of everything I don't have. I want the completion of a circle I can't complete. I want to breed damn it!

And live. I want more. More from this life. Than hotel rooms, tv, a social hour or two and going home wasted to sleep alone. Wash rinse repeat.

And worse... I am so sick of getting wasted, of smoking, of being angry and emotional and hurting and miserable and disappointed. Why does life have to be like that? An attraction to all the things which are bad for me. Why do I have to have aquaintances/sexual encounters with those who are even more dysfunctional than I am?

Too many questions and I'm blank. You know what I am going to do now? Michael just called and we are playing poker in Ben's room, with his girlfriend, in 5 minutes. Hum. HOW FUCKING FUN?????

I'll go for a short time. Then bed. I have Jen's necklace design spinning in my head.