It always has to end

Sadness. And that's all I can say. Tour ends today. Tomorrow I drop the kids off and mom & dad separate and there is no show to look forward to. In fact, there is a month of blank confusion.

I will really miss everyone. Being so close and having instantanious and forced social interaction has been so wonderful. I'll miss shotting darts with the boys (they still let me play even though I suck) and heavy drinking and show calls and our costumer's "pussy hurting" and ben and cheryl and shawn and BNL and the van and fresh white towels and HBO and I just have a heaviness in my heart because, I think, everyone else is looking forward to something new. I do have the gutherie job, but I am not going home to a boyfriend. It's so hard to be alone.

I thought maybe Ben might come to me tonight and there might be some action, being our last night. He went to the bars. I am here alone. I'll miss him and yes, I fucked myself because I feel for him. And I dismissed all of his faults. And we used each other for sexual purposes. And it feels to real to be lust. And it feels so false. But after tomorrow I won't have to think about him again, until I think about him.

It always has to end.