new years me

I feel guilt not updating... is that bad? Should I be feeling an odd loyality to a purple "new entry" page? It's not as if there are millions of adoring fans awaiting the next vulgar twist in my normal life. Or shouldn't be...

Truth be told, I have had a zillion emotions since I have last written, and I have now hit a plateau. I'm home. I have unpacked (1/2 done) into little piles around my room (the guest room): one for dirty clothes, one for clean, the breakable bottles & medications on my head board, my necklaces spread out between my mother's painted china collection, my "work" pile, my reading piles, my cds, my electronic piles, my new (amazing-best-xmas-gift-ever-why-doesn't-santa-give-more-orgasms-for-presents) sex toys hidden in a pile of laundry, and my new pile of get-your-self-in-shape magazines ...

Yes. this is me in January. I've realized that I have gained a bit of wieght on tour. My "big" jeans don't fit. Now I am determined to get in shape. And damn. I feel like I am going to become the most mondane person ever. I was this person once. Hapty remembers. God, I don't know how anyone could have stood to be with me when I was depressed and talking constantly about wieght & excersise (which I never really learned to spell) & food & just shit. Talking shit all the time. About who I was going to be and how fucking great my life was going to be and what I was going to do. I was SO NIEVE. And I hated myself.

I really like myself now. I like my life. I like who I am. I just wish I could fit into some better clothes, I just want to be able to go into any store and buy the clothes I want. And while we could go on and on about how this is the store's problem and not mine, I know that I would feel better and be healthier if I lost some wieght. I just got over this awful flu/cold thing, where I felt like I couldn't breathe. So I'm giving up cigarettes. And taking up heavy caffinee.

and now it's time for honesty. I told somebody that once I have gotten really happy and settled in my life, now I like animals and babies. And it's true. It's because I have love to give to them. I have energy to accept things into my life. I have energy/love/time to develop relationships.

AND I have the courage to say: YES I do want to be in a relationship. YES I want the 2 kids and dog and husband in no particular order. YES I am a woman who wants it all. And yes, I want to lose wieght so I can meet the men I want to meet, have a lot of sex and then have a lasting relationship. I want these things before I am too old.

I feel better now. I can't stop listening to BNL. I can't stop having dreams that I am touring.

This weekend, I'll go to the cities for new years. To a kick ass party. I am going wear a black shirt, my new years skirt from last year, and my big platform go-go boots with my blue flax fur jacket. MMmm. AND I want to have sex.

And we will see what happens with brian, he was a little strange on the phone with me... I think I would just laugh if we kissed.